Lauren Card Live

KNOCK, KNOCK.

Me: Who’s there?

Turkey: Tom.

Me: Tom Who?

Turkey: Tom, the Turkey you were gonna eat.

Me: It wasn’t that I didn’t like you…

Turkey: Yeah, yeah… I’ve heard it all before.

Me: So Tom, the word on the street is that Turkeys are stupid.

Turkey: Nice, real nice. Treat all your dinner guests this way?

Me: I’m not trying to be rude, I’m just interested. OK?

Turkey: So if you really want to know, I’ll give you straight scoop. Ask away.

Me: So is it true that Turkeys can drown by looking up into the sky and having their beaks fill up with rain?

Turkey: Totally false. However one of us jumped into a bucket and a bunch more thought it was fun. Kind of like pig pile except with Turkeys. Everyone but the top turkey drowned. Tragic.

Me: Interesting. So how about Turkeys no longer having the ability to reproduce without artificial insemination?

Turkey: Define “artificial.” We like to think of it as making you humans mess around with our privates. Funny!

Me: Eeww!

Turkey: C’mon… any other things you want to know?

Me: I heard that if one Turkey dies, a whole flock will die in sympathy.

Turkey: Negative, no, nada. Turkeys mostly die at Thanksgiving. Capice?

Me: Sorry, O.K. one more. Does the Tryptophan in Turkeys make people sleepy after they eat it?

Turkey: You’re talking about “The Turkey’s Revenge?” I wish. Sadly, this is yet one more goofy way that you humans make us out to be monsters.

Me: So, I’m starting to feel a little hungry. Any ideas?

Turkey: Yep. Let’s fry up some Chicken.

Me: Chicken? You turkeys eat chicken?!!

Turkey: Now who’s stupid?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TURKEY!

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